No one can read your mind

Tell people what you want—they can’t read your mind. It’s a common misconception that if your partner/family member/friend/colleague really knew/understood/loved you, they would just know that X is hurtful, that Y is what you really want, and that Z is why you are so mad at them. The reality is that even when we speak the same language, we all have very complex meanings that we ascribe to different words, actions, and sequences of behavior. We also have different temperaments, and need different things in a relationship. We often forget that the only way for someone to know something about us is for us to share it, sometimes multiple times. This doesn’t mean that the other person doesn’t care.

Have you ever made plans with a friend? Chances are, you talked about the details of what you were going to do together. You probably set a date and a time, and arranged a location to meet. What if your friend told you that if you really cared about the friendship, you would just know when and where to meet? This would probably strike you as unreasonable unless you had already established a consistent routine of meeting up at a regular time and place.

Now, think about the person you expect should just “know.” Have you given that person clear, specific messages about what you want? Many people think that if they have to be this specific, it won’t feel sincere when the other person follows through. But consider that their effort to listen and act on what you shared with them is a good indication of their sincere desire to connect with you. And, the clearer you are about who you are and what you want, the better you will be able to discern how (or maybe if) you should continue to build a relationship with this person.